you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
