god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
