please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
