My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
