im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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