i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
