I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
