@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
pray to the hookup gods
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
