Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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