im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
