the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
