when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
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I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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