wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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