Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
