So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
