You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
