So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
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Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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