she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What drink are we having for lunch?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize