The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
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MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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