sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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