Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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