I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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