ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
