I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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