I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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