Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
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He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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