Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
