I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
