he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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