I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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