Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
