If i could tip my vagina, i would.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
