chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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