wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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