I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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