yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
