Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
