it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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