a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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