Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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