i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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