you're like a bully in the Christmas story
its not stalking. its research.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
