Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
