she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
