when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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