My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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