Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
