My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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