Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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