I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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