Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
