Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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