I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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