I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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