Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
